All posts filed under: Ponderings

Starry, starry night

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Written on May 10, 2023, Huni Sicogon Tonight, I saw so many stars my neck hurt from looking up. The last time I found the night sky twinkling like crazy was in Siquijor, nine years ago, on an anniversary trip with my now ex-husband. It was so long ago, I realize now, like so many things. On this starry night in Sicogon, I was taking a quiet walk on the beach and relishing the joys of solitude when a voice broke the silence with a passionate rendition of Ella Mae Saison’s “Till my heartaches end,” a staple in every videoke bar in the Philippines. Who the hell would sing that here?! And I laughed. How very Pinoy this is. Away on an island, you think you’re free from the neighborhood videoke queens and kings, but here they are. I remember the last time I sang my heart out in a remote videoke setup: I was again with my ex, shuttled off to another island in the middle of the Sulu Sea for an exclusive travel …

My Sioribi

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Dec. 27, 2022. I find myself alone in a retro cafe where just two hours ago there had been a full house. I passed this place earlier, on my way to the Yayoi Kusama Museum. It was packed, and I thought I’d just come back for it. So I did. Now I’m sitting here with an americano (500 yen), listening to this haunting music that’s suddenly making me tear up. I’m watching life unfold from my window seat: people finding their way to somewhere (home, most likely); walking, cycling or driving; watching lights and crossing streets; carrying groceries; doing what they do on late December afternoons like this. And then it dawns on me how perfectly content I am in this moment: alone in Matsumoto, hot coffee in my cold hands – not knowing anything, not wanting anything but to stay in this calm, unburdened space. Free to to cry or laugh, safe in anonymity. I recognize the extraordinariness of such times. When you’re a grownup doing grownup things, it is a luxury to be …

Stranger thoughts

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Written onboard flight 5J 814 from Singapore Despite my years of travel – inextensive by many standards – I still haven’t gotten used to the feeling of going back. Always, on the eve of a return flight, I get a sinking feeling and I develop an unexplained attachment to the hotel room, however bad it is (like the one I shared with a friend in Seoul one time). A certain sadness accompanies the act of packing, for me at least. It’s not that I dread the idea of coming home – my home is as comfortable as anybody could ask for. It’s also not that I wish to stay forever wherever I find myself on a trip, thinking life is better there. No, I’ve seen enough to know that life anywhere is easy only for the tourist who sleeps in nice hotels, eats at the top 50 restaurants, and wakes up with that happy, singular thought: What shall I do today? Days – and nights – are kinder to the transient who is unaffected by …

Notes from a first flight

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Feb. 23, 2022, quickly jotted down on my notebook: Everything takes on a whole new meaning after two years and three months. The airport coffee, though shockingly bitter, becomes a sweet reminder that you are, in fact, waiting for a flight. The check-in counters are not just another hurdle to go through but are gates that will open up to a world that has been closed for over two years. Your sister’s luggage–filled to the brim at 20.4 kg because she has forgotten how to pack light–goes ahead, making its way through the conveyor belt, tentative, like you. On the plane, the flight attendants whose svelte figures used to mock your cookie-filled… uhm, cuteness, are now wrapped in blue PPE, looking no different from health workers. They are there to take care of you, after all, which is a comforting thought in the middle of a pandemic. “Are we in the clouds? It’s so white!” the kid in front of you asks as she fidgets endlessly in her seat. She talks non-stop to her very …

The Value of Stillness

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One of the frequently asked questions I bring to God is this: What do You want me to do? I try to listen, look for signs, seek counsel, read books, pray. What do You want me to do with my life? It’s a legitimate question, a good one even, but is it always the right one? Sometimes, in our desire to follow God, we get lost in our walk. We feel the need to keep going, keep doing and keep asking that we miss the point of the journey. And that is simply, to be with Him. We can be so immersed in trying to please Him that we forget how to be with Him. To sit still enveloped in His love. Not doing, not deserving, not fretting, just resting, trusting, being loved like only He can love us. If you’re like me, this is not easy. Striving is my default mode. I have to accomplish things in a day, even if it’s as trivial as sending an email, or as huge as delivering a …

What I did on the last day of the most surreal year (so far)

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Nagising nang maaga dahil malakas mag-cellphone ang nanay ko kahit akala niya tahimik lang siya; Naghiwa-hiwalay ng dikit-dikit na lumpia wrapper (my most significant contribution in the kitchen); Nakinig ng daily devotion ng Victory (Psalm 120 ang topic); Nagkape at naghanap ng vintage Coach bags online; Nag-brunch ng lumpiang shanghai, kasabay ang buong pamilya; Naghanap ng yellow dress para umawra ng Color of the Year sa gabi pero walang nakita, kaya nag-ayos na lang ng damitan (muntik na ako maiyak at the sight of my travel/seasonal clothes na parang mga Cebu Pacific tickets lang din–hindi nagamit); Nag-pass sa playground trip with Nami para makapag-me time; Nag-shower at nakaisip ng Word of the Year for 2021 habang naliligo (may scientific basis why we get our best ideas in the shower); Nag-prepare para mag-journal sa kwarto ko pero naunahan na naman ako doon ng tatay ko na seryosong nanonood ng lumang tennis match sa YouTube kahit alam niya naman sino ang nanalo (ganyan din siya sa boxing); Naghanap na lang ulit ng vintage bags sa US (wala …

A Place of Yearning

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Wherever we are, we are always, it seems, in the same place–a place of yearning. Yearning to rest, yearning to work; yearning to be someone better, yearning to do something great. Yearning to be relevant and yearning to be invisible, unburdened. Yearning to finally start, yearning to finish. Yearning to be free and yearning to love. Even in our moments of supreme happiness and contentment, there are flashes of how it could be better if… Exhibit A: I was lying down on my yoga mat on the terrace, sunbathing as I do every morning now (vitamin D vs COVID-19, people), when I heard the determined singing of a bird. I scanned my mother’s plants, then the spots where my two-year-old niece Nami leaves biscuits for her bird friends; I finally found it perched on our metal sliding door–the little sparrow belting out like it was in a karaoke bar. I don’t know if it sensed a human watching but it stopped singing, glanced at me, and flew off. And I laughed at such snotty behavior. …

Lessons from a Lockdown

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I’ve been working from home for seven years now, so when the Philippine government announced a month-long community quarantine beginning March 15, my first thought was, “Pfft, I do lockdowns like a pro,” followed by “I’m an introvert; I invented social distancing,” and finally, “We’re going to need a huge supply of food, toiletries and donuts.” Three weeks later, we all know what happened here: 3,018 COVID-19 cases, 136 deaths, and thousands more under investigation or monitoring, many of them dying without even being tested because hey, VIPs first, then their families, and then their staff, right? It has become clear that this new coronavirus is serious (even if many elected officials are not). Health care systems are collapsing even in the most advanced countries; people are losing jobs and losing hope; families don’t get to see or hold loved-ones on their death beds, receiving them only as ashes later on; and tensions are high everywhere, especially on social media. People are beginning to wonder: will this be the new normal? To keep me sane …

The gift of sameness

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The thing with new years is that people tend to look for the big things when they look back — better jobs, financial breakthroughs, new romance, bucket-list travels, dreams fulfilled. Any milestone that could mark the year as “good” or at least different from years past. I’ve been around four decades now (which suddenly makes me sound old). I won’t pretend to be wiser than I was 10 years ago, but I do know this: the non-events of our lives are as important as the “highlights.” The series of actions that make up our every day is no less special than the special occasions that we like to dress up for. In fact, the older I get, the more I find comfort in sameness: waking up in the same bed that knows my sleepless nights; spending Christmas in the same house that has been our home for nine years; seeing the same weathered faces with the same old jokes in family reunions; wearing the same shirt and nightgown that were among the last gifts from …

For Tatay

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On days like this when I wake up to the view of a calm sea, and summer music breaks the quiet of the morning, I remember similar days from over 35 years ago, when I was but a tiny hand clasping the rough, reassuring hand of my grandfather, a fisherman. Back then, there was no music from bluetooth speakers, just an old man’s voice asking if I was ready to pick up my grandmother from the market and get ice cream afterwards. And then we would walk or ride the tricycle. That was the joy of my childhood mornings. Oh, what I would give to hear that voice again and hold those weather-beaten hands. To sit beside my grandfather and tell him about the life I’ve lived so far, the parts he missed. I would ask him if there was anywhere he and my grandmother wanted to go so I could take them there, and this time, mine would be the guiding hands. But I sit here, and there is nothing; the twinkling eyes had …